Illuminat--
(CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT) Illuminat--
(GIGGLES)
Illuminat--
(SPEAKING MINIONESE)
-(FARTS)
-(SNIFFS AND GROANS)
(GIGGLES) Illumination!
-(FARTS)
-(GROANING)
The year was 1985,
and the number one show on TV was...
Evil Bratt!
HOST: The show starred young
Balthazar Bratt as a child prodigy
and criminal mastermind
bent on world domination.
-(BALTHAZAR LAUGHING)
-There he is! Get him!
(ALL GRUNTING)
I've been a bad boy!
Bratt was the biggest
child actor of the 1980s,
striking a chord with audiences
all over the world.
(BOTH CHEERING)
-(BALTHAZAR LAUGHING)
-There he is! Get him!
HOST: But it all came
to an end in Season 3, when...
-I've been a bad boy!
-HOST: The young star experienced
-an unexpected growth spurt.
-Boy? Ugh!
The show was canceled.
Hollywood rejected him
and Bratt quickly plunged
into a downward spiral,
starting to actually believe
he was the character he played on TV.
-What are you looking it?
-HOST: Leading us all to wonder,
-where is he now?
-(BALTHAZAR LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLING)
You know what, Clive?
Playing a villain on TV was fun,
but being one in real life is even better.
-Heist music!
-Here it comes.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) What?
Clive, what are you doing?
-How is that heist music?
-Sorry. My bad.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Ew! (GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Mommy!
Stop or I'll-- (GROANS)
(ALARM BLARING)
Sir, the ship has been boarded
by some kind of monster!
Wait! That's not a monster.
That's a man wearing shoulder pads!
There's only one supervillain
whose fashion sense is quite that dated.
Balthazar Bratt.
Blast it! The Dumont Diamond
is on that ship.
I want every agent in the area
on the scene immediately!
(MINIONS LAUGHING)
We're already here.
Agents Grucy are closing fast.
Yes! Wait. What did you call us?
"Grucy." You know, Gru and Lucy
mushed together. Try it.
Oh! I like it, but not a lot.
I don't like it.
-Stop!
-On the ground!
(BOTH YELP AND GRUNT)
(CHUCKLES)
-(AGENTS CLAMORING)
-Go, go, go!
-Eh?
-(ALL SCREAM)
Too late again, Gru! (LAUGHS)
Wha?
-He's getting away!
-That's what he thinks.
(MINIONS WHOOPING)
Go! Go! Go...
Go! Go! Go! (GRUNTS) Go! Go!
-I don't think we can make it, Gru!
-We can make it!
We can make it!
No, we can't!
-Ahh!
-Get ready!
Get ready for--
(GRU AND MINIONS SCREAMING)
Hey. How you doing? (GROANS)
-(COUGHING)
-(GIRL GASPS)
-GIRL: Are you okay?
-(SPEAKING MINIONESE)
(CHUCKLES) You guys are so cute.
Go get him, Gru-Gru!
Hello, Gru.
How's your transition coming?
You know, from world's worst villain
to world's worst agent?
Oh, that's hilarious.
You should be on TV.
Oh, that's right. You were!
But then you got canceled!
-(CHUCKLES)
-Ha-ha!
-What about that?
-Ugh!
-What? Oh, girls!
-Oh!
(GRUNTING)
Dance fight!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTING)
Ow!
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Alpha Team, the diamond is secure.
Come and pick up the package.
ALPHA TEAM LEADER: Copy that.
Alpha Team in approach.
Gru!
Did you actually think
I was unconscious?
-Huh!
-It's called acting, hoser.
And clearly, I've still got it!
-(SCREAMING)
-(BALTHAZAR PLAYING KEYTAR)
(GRU CONTINUES SCREAMING)
I've been a bad boy!
(CACKLES)
ALPHA TEAM LEADER:
Freeze! Don't move!
-Son of a Betamax!
-SOLDIER: Go, go! Get him!
-He's getting away!
-(BALTHAZAR YELLING)
This isn't over, Gru.
You hear me? This is not over.
Yeah? Well, I still have the diamond.
(LAUGHS)
ALL: (SINGING) Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to...
Happy birthday, dear Dan
Happy birthday to you
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING MINIONESE)
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(PEOPLE YELPING)
(GRU GROANING)
I can't believe Bratt got away again.
How is this possible? How?
(GRU LAUGHS)
And it's not that he just got away,
it is he's so smug about it.
"Ooh, I've been a bad boy!"
-Gah!
-Edna, hey! Looking hot today.
Got cats on you.
And it was so humiliating, dangling
there in the bubble-gum Speedo.
And I didn't have time
to go to the gym this week,
and I had a big breakfast.
And was feeling a little bloated.
You know what?
He's not even worth talking about.
I don't even want to waste
another breath about the guy.
And another thing!
Next time I see Bratt,
I will moonwalk all over his stupid face!
(MIMICS DANCING)
Thank you all for coming
at such short notice.
It is with great sadness
that I inform you that, as of today,
I am retiring as head of the AVL.
-(ALL GASP)
-Oh, no!
Your new leader is
coming directly from head office.
Effective immediately.
She is the very gifted,
very ambitious, Miss Valerie de Vinci.
As I look out over all your faces,
I am flooded with so many memories.
Oh, boy! This is a snooze fest!
-Excuse me, this is my last...
-Blah, blah, blah! We understand.
You're old, you're fat, you're done.
-Let me breathe in.
-(GRUNTING)
-(SILAS GROANS)
-(ALL GASP)
Ooh, broke a little sweat,
there. (CHUCKLES)
First order of business, (CLEARS THROAT)
which one of you losers is Agent Gru?
Oh, that would be me.
Although, I don't know
if I'd say "loser," per se.
-Kind of is... (GASPS)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, it's the girls!
Not a good time.
-Hey!
-Ahh!
Yes, sir! (GASPS) Uh...
Ma'am? You're making me nervous.
How could you let Balthazar Bratt,
the AVL's most wanted villain,
just get away?
That is the opposite
of what we do here!
Okay. Okay.
Yes, maybe he got away. Again.
But he didn't get the diamond.
And I am this close to bringing him in.
This close.
Huh. Interesting.
-You're fired!
-(GASPS) What?
That's totally not fair.
Gru is a great agent!
You know what? If you fire him,
you're gonna have to fire me,
sister-sister.
And do you really wanna do that?
Do ya?
-GRU: No, no, no!
-(BOTH SCREAMING)
-(GRU GRUNTING)
-Well, I guess she did.